I Grow To Find Comfort

Al-Fatehah
In memory of my late grandmother
Hajjah Rubiah Bte Abdul Ghafoor (Nek Bee)

05 December 1993

after all these years, somehow i realise; i was the jewel in your eyes. you always prefered me over my other cousins. and i grew to find comfort in subtle love.

i grew to find peace in your room, cuddling under your arms to sleep. musty, lingering with the fragrance of potent Axe Oil.

i used to stare at your face, secretly at nights, when my eyes could not rest as the moonlight evaded the space. somehow, i knew you knew. and comfort grew from there.

i grew to find comfort on slippery bathroom floor, holding on to your hands, as you lather me with vigor and made sure i came out squeaky clean. i remembered playing bubble foams all over your hands.

i grew to find comfort in the plate of rice & sambal udang you would feed me, you sitting in front of the tv and me running around to chew my food before returing for another round.

i grew to find comfort as you smother warm towel on my blemished body, everyday whenever i had cold flu.

i grew and found comfort in your night lullaby and ghost stories.

i grow to find comfort...

nenek, fei-zal tak nyanyi kat dalam bilik air lagi... fei-zal pun dah tak minum air sampai habis makan nasi kat pinggan...

my only regret is not to have captured you in pictures.

you are my expression of solitude, a remembrance of how i started. in the early times of vulnerablity, you carried me in your arms.

and i need you to know that my prayers will support you to your final resting place.