Restoring My Agency...

it's not easy
to own up to one's repression
coming to terms with reality
purifying a mind off its experiences

i am barely coping
can't stand up without faltering
tried the art of self-deception
only to find mr conviction catching up
am ashamed of this wreck
would anyone understand?

i've lost any inch of esteem in me
and yet i'm muted in enunciation
disabled to anyone and everyone
because the heart and mind is not in sync

i've tried drowning myself in escapism
enjoying momentary bliss
before the conscious mind wins the battle

sorry
i can't bring myself to shatter your dreams
no one would ever understand this
believe me, no one
you struggled your lifetime in devotion
and all i could do was to screw it up for you
exterminating away any glimpse of hope
that's left behind

it's been three sleepless nights
preoccupation with misery
trying to remain strong for others
although there's no need for that
i don't see anyone standing up for me
all i see is a child being shot down for trying

as cliche as it sounds
solitude is the game i'm playing
i've lost all my support system
i can't turn to anyone guilt-free
would someone knock on my door?

i'm not in denial
it's just so hard
really
people would attempt to understand
but they don't
they really don't

all i'm left with is my will
i'm keeping my faith intact
i'm not blaming anyone except me
for being a na·ïve·té
for being a child fearless in deep waters
for being a believer of intrinsic object
that was in the first place never there
but created for the credulous

i wish i'm hanging on to concrete
instead of fracturing tiles
i ordered a parcel of personal salvation
sorry no place for sympathy-takers
no i am not repugnant
no enmity nor aversion
just accepting His gift for me

Thank You.